Ah, plastic. It’s everywhere: in our homes, on our food, in our oceans, and, if you’ve accidentally microwaved the wrong Tupperware, probably in your bloodstream too. It’s like that friend you didn’t invite to the party but who’s always there—unbreakable, unstoppable, and incredibly annoying. Here are the 10 things I hate about plastic:

1. It Never Dies, Just Like That One Ex

Plastic is the zombie of materials. It sticks around for hundreds, sometimes thousands, of years, just chilling in a landfill or drifting through the ocean like it’s on a permanent gap year. If only it were biodegradable. But no. It’s immortal—like glitter’s evil cousin.

2. The Impostor Syndrome

Biodegradable plastic? Recyclable plastic? Lies. Half the time, you need a PhD in materials science to figure out if you’re supposed to recycle it, compost it, or send it to the shadow realm. Spoiler alert: It’s probably just going to end up in the landfill anyway.

3. The Tupperware Betrayal

Plastic containers are a constant source of rage. They stain, they warp in the microwave, and their lids disappear faster than your will to meal prep. Bonus points for when they almost fit, but not quite. Is there a secret Tupperware lid dimension I don’t know about?

4. Plastic Bags: The Gymnasts of Trash

Plastic bags defy physics. They float, twist, and fly through the air like acrobats, landing in the most ridiculous places: a tree, your car antenna, or the mouth of a turtle who definitely didn’t order takeout.

5. The Microplastic Menace

Microplastics are the glitter of pollution. They’re everywhere: in the water, the soil, the food we eat, and even the air we breathe. I’m starting to think I’ll find microplastics in my morning coffee soon. Oh wait, I probably already do.

6. Single-Use Madness

The sheer absurdity of single-use plastic deserves its own hate anthem. You mean to tell me this fork will outlive me, my grandchildren, and possibly civilization as we know it, but it couldn’t survive more than one bite of lasagna before snapping in half?

7. The Guilt Trip

Plastic is a gaslighter. “Oh, so you brought your reusable bag once, and now you think you’re saving the planet?” it whispers from the corner of your car where your forgotten reusable bags live rent-free.

8. That Awful Crunching Sound

Is there anything more obnoxious than the sound of plastic packaging? Opening a snack quietly? Forget it. The entire neighborhood knows you’re eating chips at 2 a.m., thanks to the sonic boom of that crinkly bag.

9. The Strangling Sneaker Effect

Ever noticed how plastic wrap clings to everything except the thing you’re trying to wrap? It’s basically an aggressive hug you didn’t ask for. Meanwhile, trying to tear it off without accidentally Saran-wrapping your own face is a whole workout.

10. It’s Everywhere, Literally

Plastic has achieved omnipresence. It’s in your clothes, your shampoo bottle, and even your face wash. Who invited plastic beads into skincare? Nobody. And yet, here they are, clogging drains and mocking us all.

Plastic is like that toxic friend you wish you could block but can’t, because, unfortunately, society runs on it. Sure, it’s useful, but at what cost? It’s high time we kicked this clingy, non-biodegradable frenemy to the curb—or at least gave it a serious timeout. Until then, I’ll be here with my stainless steel straw, reusable bags, and a heap of eco-guilt, trying (and probably failing) to outrun the microplastics.